All you guys reading this, you’re awesome. The responses I’ve gotten are on another level – maybe even injustice to my writings. Thanks for inspiring me to put my mind to work every day for y’all. Just wanna request a thing. If you like what I write, tell others about it. Please. It would mean so crazy lot to me. =)
So – the last week was nothing less than a roller-coaster ride for me, and I’d like you to know about it in a hide & show way. You know what’s hide & show? It’s a form of art where you don’t exactly tell people what you’re referring to, or what they should feel, but you tell them about what you did in a hope of inspiring others too. You tell them stuff relative to you yourself, so that they might find themselves in your words. Biswa Kalyan Rath taught me that. 🙂
Coming to the point. Where to start? Maybe this:
I lost someone. Again. I’ve lost a lot of people all these years. Friends, relatives. You name it. I’ve lost a lot of trust. I’ve lost a lot of love. They all say the same thing that they won’t, but they do. And what I’ve found is hurt and heartbreak and downfalls. The thing is after a while you just don’t get surprised anymore. You think – how long? But the ache stays. Right behind your solar plexus. Burning. Throbbing. Convincing. That’s maybe why I’m ineffably attached to everyone who comes my way, even if that’s fatal. I never want to make someone else feel what I did. Just thinking about that makes me feel uncomfortable. It’s just – I can’t do it. I can’t do wrong to people. I can’t be the words to somebody’s melancholies. I can’t be someone’s heartache. I can’t be someone’s tragedy. I’d rather be my own tragedy. Yeah, I understand it works both ways – if I won’t be attached, I won’t get hurt and all. But you know what they say about the heart. It never stops. It only forgives. There’s another thing. I have this tendency to stop giving fucks after sometime. You hurt me, cool. I don’t give so much of a damn to return it back to you. If I want, I could have. But, I won’t. I won’t let you have that pleasure of sitting back one day and thinking that you affected me to a degree of revenge. I’ll forgive you, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna let you in or onto my life anymore. You’re now going to be a mere stranger for me with memories, that I have nothing to do with. You might stand within a distance of one feet of me, yet I won’t care. I care a lot when I do, and when I don’t, I really don’t. And maybe that’s it. You might say I’ve changed, but I won’t find it worthy enough to explain to you that I haven’t. My behaviors are relative to you. You broke my trust, don’t even think it’ll ever be the same again. We all remember that quote by heart – trust is like a paper, once crumpled, it can never be the same shape again. True. So, that day I was wounded in a different way. I listened to music. A lot of it. Music is magic. If there’s something that can pair with words to create wonders, it’s music. Symphonies, melancholies, epiphanies. Everything.
I have a bad habit of not being able to sleep before 12 AM. That’s when most of my writings find their existence in my mind. So, I’m up till 12 and by 12.30, I am sleeping. Because my body demands rest – I’m a karate kid (yeah, I wrote that) so I need it. But, on a particular night last week, I didn’t sleep till 2. My eyes burnt, literally. But, I was so fretted, so unsettled that I couldn’t sleep. To find a little distraction, I opened one of the chat apps and went through it and found a chat. A person, a person who’s so much more than just my best friend. A person who didn’t leave me even when the most idiotic and crazy stuff happened. A person that I’ve been missing since the last four months. I went through it. I want through the chats. I went through the photographs. More friends. Friends I miss but don’t see anymore. Friends who’ve graduated. Friends who’ve moved. Friends who truly and unapologetically love me. Always have. In a way nobody else can and would. So, at 1.04 AM that night, I wrote. I wrote it all. I wrote this:
,,1.04 AM – Tonight, I’m up until this late when I should rest my body for the grueling session of physical activity it went through. I don’t really know why I’m awake, but I am. Tonight I had the hardest emotional breakdown I had had since the last year a while ago. And the weird part is that I wasn’t crying for the worse. I was crying for the best memories. Everything was like looking through a kaleidoscope – shiny, bright, infinite, never enough. I went through text messages and photographs – old, old ones – of my friends, my best friends. Some that have moved out, some that have graduated, a few that were more than my best friends. My past is so overwhelming. It’s so messy but once in a while I find buried treasure. And so tonight I wished something I rarely do. I wished that time could go back & would never pass that in those moments. They are proof that at some point of time, even if for a second, everything was perfect. It seems like they were drops of honey in a jar, so precious, and I’ve lost them. So I cried holding my teddy bear close tonight, although the void I feel will never be filled by that. And all I could do is blame time for not gracing me with enough of itself, but somewhere even I know that it’s not true. Maybe we all miss out on something every time in our lives that we spend the rest regretting.”
My friends. I don’t have a lot of them. Maybe I do. I don’t know. They’re this random group of people who care for me a lot. They’d not believe anything that goes against me. They’d never believe rumors. They’d point out my flaws. They’d laugh with me and at me. They’d cry for me and they’d fight with me and for me. I love them more than I love myself. They make me love me. They make me what I am. They are what I will have at my worst and they’re what I will never forget at my best. And so, I love them.
I miss moments. I can’t say everything because I honestly admit I am not that brave again to go through all the downs that I did. But there were times – times that I wish would come back to me. I’m greedy for them, even though I’m one of those people who knows very well that time changes everything and it’s better to move ahead with it rather than wishing for repetition. It’s very important that we stop fearing time. The more we do, the more darker it’s gonna be. With time, people change, people go and people come. There is no bravery without cowardice. There is no happiness without sorrow. There is no love without hate. There is no dawn without night. There is no rainbow without storm. Everything needs to be turned into the desired. I keep reminding myself this.
I have been getting hurt a lot. Karate Perks. Shoulder, check. Nose, check. Knees, check. Yesterday – my right foot, check. Everything was okay & bearable until yesterday. My foot aches me terribly. I can’t walk. It hurts to move it to any freaking position from another one. I’m going to have to rest it for two days. And if it doesn’t get fine, I’m gonna need to have it X-rayed (I hope not). You know what the worst part is? I can’t sit still. And now I have to. This physical pain is to that point where it brings tears to my eyes. Mom helps. But, I have to walk around the house. And on Monday, I’m going to attend my classes. I, for a fact, hate displaying weakness. When I hurt it, I was having a fight with my senior. I didn’t stop, and for the next thirty minutes I continued my practice. It was when I reached home that I felt it truly. It’s bad this time. But. I am not backing down. In time span of about 3 days, I saw before my eyes a metaphor for what life is. You try, you fail, you hurt, you rest, you cure, but you don’t stop. Never. This is what life is like. What it should be like.
Every wound has it’s healing out there.
That’s where I guess I might end this. I have so much more to write but let’s get it over with. Today is Sunday. Although all my days have been Sundays because it’s my vacations, but anyway. I’m bored af. I read all my books too. Ugh. I have gotta find something newwww, or else I might decay of this boredom.
Until next time, people. Thanks for reading. =)
Today’s Song: i hate u, i love u by gnash ft. Olivia O’Brien.
QOTD: You’re the sparkle of your universe because there’s no star brighter than you.