The Deer In Headlights (Poetry)

To err is to human they said but you had been erring all the time,

and I was like the clay to broken earthen pots except that the broken pot was meant to stay broken.

I touched a delicate sunray only to know it wasn’t going to stay the same –

just scatter and shatter into the seven colors of the spectrum I had learned in the physics class.

I didn’t know you changed colors, love,

I tried healing your wounds from a time and a place when and where we didn’t exist with you.

It was humid and suffocating and beer floating in the air, you said,

but I knew it was neither – because when you looked forward, I looked back;

and because you never drank beer or whisky or even coffee.

I glanced at your glowing eyes in neon lights at 12 AM wondering if:

those biting shivers of affection were really there,

or was it only the cold wind of your emotions far from home that –

rang in our ears as loud as false fire alarms, and

flashed in our eyes like dripping wet neon umbrellas?

Because you never drank the sip of desire, let alone thoughts.

The home you were living in was not humid it was just a random satire,

you erred in everything you did and how long was I supposed to rectify

my broken heart, my broken feelings, my broken thoughts, my empty hands

alone?

You took everything from my soul and gave me back sweet simple nothings –

promising everything that I had ever wished for in my life,

you were the falling star that turns out to be just an illusion of the eyes.

I was left with only a past that seemed vague and intensely unreal like heat in winter:

like the coincidence of our coinciding never existed for real and only in my mind.

That notion made the belief in my mind stronger that they were right – 

your brother had told me I was insane and perhaps I really was, or maybe – you drove me to it.

I had buried my expectations around the house of fragile bricks we had made,

and yet I went back to them, dug them up and washed them clean with the sparkle of your eyes when

you promised me no letdowns again with your hands over my burning cheeks.

But I guess I really should have had second thoughts,

but I guess that was the problem, I never had second thoughts about you –

anything you said or did was like another thread to the weakness of my heart.

And I selfishly held them closer not knowing that even thread could cut,

even if it is just a tiny and long piercing of pale white skin and blood is blood.

And I didn’t remember it pains a lot, being cut like that does.

Your skin felt colder everyday just like your eyes and your words,

was it me or was it me that was the question in the air that floated between us.

There seemed to be a feather touch loneliness in being in your arms,

and suddenly I knew that you were, we were, I was over but we still didn’t let go.

Maybe you already had but I refused to believe in my insanity yet.

Did you believe that I had driven you to your insane too because – trust me – 

oh you do not anymore, do you? I’m sorry I forgot,

but I really hope you know that I always prayed on my bent knees for you.

Even when my eyes burned like midnight oil and fever dream – I’m sorry I forgot –

when the blame for destruction came upon me.

You woke up dripping with gasoline that you had poured in the after-after party last night,

I guess it is you who has been going insane, but you still smile like the boy I met long ago and,

I tried reminding you of the time when you had we and

how we had danced under pale lights of the living room.

You asked me what? and I tore myself apart just to fix you.

Your lips upturned like a cait sìth – oh my God I had trusted you,

I had trusted you with the warmth; they said you were attracted to it,

you sure were, I know, but oh God.

I had trusted you not steal me, my soul and you lit up a match,

you brought it closer to my eyes and brought me closer to you.

The fire reminded you of burning bridges and tormented love.

And yes, yes, yes, I knew there was nothing but 

the smell of gasoline and daisies and ashes of wood and honeydew and water

between us, I knew it was over.

But I wanted to heal every shred of you but I didn’t know you were not a shred, you were broken glass,

you were the sharp edge, the blind turn, the hanging rope and I danced too close.

I got the gasoline all over me too and that’s when –

I don’t know the match deliberately, deliberately, or uncontrollably slipped out of

strong arms and shaky wrists into the immeasurable distance between our bodies,

interwoven, curled on the edge of rose bushes so beautiful,

but lined with the thorns of ends that seemed nothing but painful and uncertain.

And all I could see, think, wonder, scream was your cold, cold neighborhood,

your porch, your bedroom window, and you.

You because you were burning with everything you had with you,

and it was all that I had ever said was mine.

Song of the day: Here (Logic Remix) by Alessia Cara, Logic

QOTD: If you forgot, let me remind you – you’re magic.

Ash x

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